Strength
by Hasselhoff
Summary: Standalone::Carter remembers someone special to him while watching his kids play...


Authors Note- I was listening to my Lonestar CD, and got inspired by one of there songs. This is what came from it. Like it? Hate it? Indifferent? Let me know what you think, it's kinda different than anything I've written before. Thanks!

Disclaimer- The songs not mine, its Lonestars, I pray.

I can't quote the Bible  
I skipped Sunday school  
And I can't count the times

I fell and broke the Golden Rule  
So I don't know if he listens

Sometimes I wonder if he cares  
Maybe I'm just wishing  
'Cause I can't even prove he's there

I watch them. I've watched them before, everyday, every free moment I get. I watch as they run, play, cry, struggle, I watch them. My greatest joy held in the palm of such helpless beings, yet I can't help but smile. Today's different. My routine hasn't changed, yet something in my heart is different. I remember. The first time in a long time I've _wanted_ to remember. No longer a piece of my past that I wish I could some how mend, sew together the broken ends. Today I am thankful.

Thankful for everything I have, everything I don't have. I listen to the cries of laughter that fill my ears, a smile creeps upon my face. My eyes slowly dance to the heavens. A word... A place I'm not even sure that is there, but for his sake I like to believe it is. Nights I spent crying for him, today I can smile for him. Dreams that will never come true no longer haunt me... The pain that once dug into my broken soul, now filled, yet he still has a spot, a special one that no one, not a soul, can replace.

"Daddy, Daddy... Look I'm doing it! Daddy... Let go... I can do it..." The bike runs through the soil collapsing onto the hard pavement, I know I'll have to pick his sobbing form off of the ground.

My eyes wander back down...

"Daddy look mommy is letting me do it without the training wheels now." His smile brighter than day, I know one day it will fade, pain will fill his eyes. Somehow he will get through it, I will get him through it.

I smile softly at him, nodding my urgency to see him take his first ride. His mother runs behind, neglecting to let go at first. Cringing, she listens to his pleas to let go, eventually complying she lets go, slamming her eyes shut as he peddles down the street, determined look on his face.

"I love you, Dad." His chubby arms surround my neck, lips placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"I love you too, Kiddo. Now get your butt in bed."

He watches as his tired little legs peddle as fast as they can. Her eyes have opened, smile present on her lips. He's strong just like her, determined, smart... It doesn't surprise me that he is doing this... All by himself... My son is growing up... My baby boy. My smile is bittersweet, as love for this young boy fills my heart. His mother calls out for him to stop, slow down, he falls into the grass, landing with a thump as she chases down after him.

But I pray  
He'll watch over my children  
I pray  
Just to be a better man

To find the strength to rise above  
To be there for the ones I love   
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day  
I pray

I can see him now, his tiny body clutched in my arms, sobs escaping my body, overcome with sadness. I never thought I'd survive. I wasn't strong, not the way I thought I was. Not until you overcome something you could not even imagine do you find the strength that you never knew was there. Life is different now, I need him still, I dream of him still, but not in the way I did before. He'll no longer fill a void, I need him because he was who he was. The true love of my life, forever I hope he can somehow know that.

Now I have to be strong for them. The life I have somehow come to know, come to love. I never thought I would be here, standing in my front yard watching my son tumble and fall, but I am... I'm the happiest person alive right now. My daughters pudgy hands pulling my jeans. I lean down holding her in my arms, her head instinctively finds my shoulder.

Together we watch our family.

"We can't be together... We never-" She shakes her head at me, a simple tear slides down her cheek. I understand... I don't know how I am going to live without her, but I do know why she is doing this.

"Okay." The words fall off my lips, I want to tell her to stay, but it would be useless.

"We no longer have a son, John." Her voice full of tears and emotions. "We never did, did we?"

I look down at the tiny child in my arms, her brother runs towards me, burying his head in my leg once he gets to me. His hands strong, trying to hold back the threatening tears. He now knows there was a purpose for his strength. He looks at her, she smiles back at him, reaching down to pick up her son. _Their_ son.

"Come here, Wyatt." She takes his hand, giving him a Popsicle. If only such a simple thing could heal all wounds... I know it can't, yet a small flicker of hope tells me maybe there is a possibility. Wyatt sucks on his Popsicle, soon to run away, wanting to play with the neighbours kids. Emma struggles away from me, I put her down, watching as she waddles over to her brother. He irritably helps her play with the kids, even if it means pushing her on the swing.

Now I confess that I don't bow my head as often as I should  
Mostly just when times are bad, rarely when they're good  
And I don't hold with too much preachin'  
But I was raised up to believe  
That a man can't ever stand as tall   
As when he gets down on his knees

Her arm slips around my waist, I melt into her. We have that way, like the missing puzzle pieces in each others lives. Cliches are something I've built my life around, it would seem. I glance up at the heavens one last time... _I wonder what he would look like... Would he have dimples? Straight hair? Curly? Would he be tall or short? Would he smart... Brave... Funny... Thoughtful? Perfect... Yeah, I think he would be perfect. Would he love me the way I love him? What would life be like now with him here? Easier..._

"Thinking about him?" She asks, a glint of sadness in her eyes. I nod solemnly. I have nothing to say, but I'm not unhappy. She knows this, letting silence surround us. We watch as our two children play happily mere feet away from us. I know I wouldn't have this if things had gone as planned... Bittersweet.

To just touch his skin, see him laugh contagiously, so many wishes, I just wish he waits for me. One day I'll be there for him, a promise every parent makes to their child... Every parent _should _make to their child.

"I love you." I mumble it to him, one last pledge.

The sun seems to shine a little brighter at that moment, I swear I see a cloud move, freeing him...

_  
  
_"He's okay." I look down at her smiling. 

"I think you're right." I do, for once in my life, I think that he knows how much I love him. I know how much I love him. Starting a family, a brand new start to my life, no longer brings me the guilt it once did. He holds that spot... His reserved spot.

I lean down kissing her lips gently. "I love you, Abby." I smile.

"I love you too John."

"I love you Derek John Carter... You died today, today 8 years ago. You'd be eight years old right now. Probably hating me... Or you're mother... I'm sorry we couldn't be together, but I love you. I loved you from the moment I knew you were... well you. Today's your eighth birthday, I'll light a candle for you. I'll say a prayer for you. I hope the lord above takes care of, the way I would have. You deserve the best. I love you, son." I feel the tears well up in my eyes, at my truthful words.

"Dad, can you help me ride my bike, this time?" My son hollers at me from across the yard.

"Yeah, Wyatt. I can do that."

"Daddy, I want to stay with you forever..."

"You will, but sometimes we are together without actually being together... Do you understand?"

"I think you're crazy."

"Goodnight Derek."

So I pray   
For a world that's gone half crazy  
I pray  
For every woman child and man  
To find the strength to rise above  
To teach each other how to love  
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day  
I pray  
I pray


End file.
